Rambles of a Man in Motion

A time to write. A reminder sent to tell me when to capture all of this precious times we are given. To set my mood, I’m on my roof, yes the roof, listening to Tuesday’s Gone, and staring up at the sky. I’m a good 6 Bud heavys in and I’m enjoying my thoughts running free. So here we go…

Things in life make you stop where you are. This that point. Where do I go. North or south? Rational thinking or fantasy dragons? I don’t know which direction I should be taking, I only know my end desires. I’ve been a mastermind at making my life complicated. Is it greener? Only one way to find out.

Doesn’t matter. On this night I’m free. On this night I see the stars and I dance to the rhythm. I feel a sense of relief and comfort in knowing everything will be ok. Life is great. And I love what is happening in it’s time. So I will enjoy it. I will not worry about what’s greener, knots what’s now and will be. Love and live.

Expect a man who will open all doors for you. For that matter a man who pulls out chairs, orders for you once you’ve told me what you want, and enjoys serving you. It’s not to make you dependent but just how I was raised to treat a lady. Enjoy it.

Expect a man who likes to talk to his lady every day. No I don’t need to keep tabs and know where you always are. I just love to converse with you and feel your presence with me when we are apart.

Expect a man who will hold back emotions. But no worries you will always know what it takes to get me to open up to you.

Expect a man who is a hopeless romantic, and the romance doesn’t stop at the wedding. I’ll will always be thinking of ways to make you fall in love with me over and over again. But I would expect the same passion in return.

Expect a man who believes whole-heartedly in dreams and goals. Mine are very important to me and so are yours. I want to be able to share them with each other.

Expect a goofy, corny guy. It’s just who I am. I make humor of many things and make corny and witty jokes (at least to me they are). I hope you laugh at them or we may annoy each other.

Expect a man who will always want to fix things for you. So if you tell me you only need me to listen and nothing else, that will be my way of thinking I’m helping to fix things, just remember to tell me that’s all you need, otherwise I’m going to try and fix it haha.

Expect a man who is family orientated and can’t wait to be a father (in it’s own time that is). I want children with my wife and I also want to adopt. I think often of being a great husband and father.

Expect a man with flaws. I have them. Bear with me and we will be fine. I’ll bear through yours as well ;)

Expect a strong-willed, confident man. I have no desire for jealousy in my house, especially as a means of getting ones way or to be spiteful.

Expect a man who will love you deeply.

Expect a man who believes in God and wants a family reared in Christian morals. This is a big deal as I work on my relationship with Him. I’m not claiming to be extremely religious or spiritual but I know what feels right and a family following His example is one of those things.

These are the characteristics of who I am, and what I want to be for my wife. If you are her, expect these.

…makes me lose control. Good words Missy E. There have been very few motivators in life that have affected my journey in the manner that music has. It courses through my veins, it’s electrifies my heart, it can influence my emotions and become the words I need to say when none can be found.

The love for music is, without a doubt, the one part of me that I can trace back and pinpoint it’s origin. For you see my father was a musician, nothing spectacular, just an average man who had a passion for music and what it can do for a persons soul. I have memories of me, a young child, 2-3 in the morning (in all actuality it was probably 9-10 pm but to a child anything after dark is late) and there he would be, jamming away on his Fender or his Ovation with 2 or 3 of his friends drinking and playing till theirs hearts content. This was not a party, although if you were a neighbor you might think it was, but just a few friends, their wife and kids and my family creating memories around music. What I always enjoyed wasn’t what they played, but how diverse the music was. At this age I knew nothing of what was good or bad, I just knew of happy sounds, laughter and lots of smiles. They would play Billy Joel (when my dad got on our piano) to Garth Brooks (Wayne insisted on country and probably could have been a star with his voice). From The Beatles to Aerosmith. It didn’t matter as long as everyone was there. Like a garage band for the middle aged.

One day I shall pass on these memories and new ones created as my child grows and appreciates music. Not just their pop culture, listen to us now, type of music but true soul searching rhythm. I look forward to these days. And as time passes I continue to reach for those inspirational lyrics that inspire my life to a dance I’ve yet danced.

If I could speak through time there are many things I wish I could tell myself, but most importantly would be addressing the moments that made the biggest impact.

To my adolescent self you should know a few things. First off when grandpa passes it isn’t your fault you kept your father in Florida. He wanted you to enjoy your birthday party and knew canceling it wouldn’t change anything. Don’t hold on to that blame, the hurt you will cause yourself is damaging and will take years to overcome, know that you are a child and just that, so enjoy it and lighten up. Don’t rush to grow up, you miss out on some great times worrying about adult issues. Your passion for people is what will make you successful, but don’t put so much weight on what others think, your closest friends will never leave. Be a child, be free, and never quit reading or writing.

During those crazy teenage years you will search for you who are, changing your opinions and actions to suit others. Go with your gut, it will be right 99% of the time. Of those friends you have, only a few will be there in the end so don’t worry about impressing them, and don’t get suckered into doing all the crazy shit that will arise. Have fun, live but don’t lose focus of who you are. School IS important so put in the time and study. It will be crucial later in life, trust me. And when you feel that selfish spoiled need to beg mom for more material items, stop and think about the strain you are putting on your parents marriage. Help out, be a good son, and DON’T be that driving wedge between them. Mom will come out just fine but the pain you will experience seeing your father heartbroken will never be healed. And remember it is not all about you so be aware of others.

When you graduate you will want to be independent and leave the nest, this will be ok. You will grow, experience the real world, and dad will become one of your closest friends. But stay away from the drugs and quit smoking! It will cost you a great job, take years away from you, and make you drop down to your knees crying when you have that shameful talk with your mother.

Stop thinking people are after you and cling to your friends for advice and support. Work on your faith and don’t fall into the pits of alcohol and sexual pleasure. It’s fun, but damaging to your character that can not be fixed. Join kappa sigma, you won’t regret it, but dont let them change who you are. You were picked for being you, stay that way and embrace the brotherhood.

None of the girls you date throughout life will last, mostly because you are an ass to them and looking for the next best thing. Slow down, learn early to appreciate them and be a true southern gentleman and treat them as ladies, one might turn out to last. This will save you time trying to figure out what went wrong. And don’t compare every girl to that first love. She will be gone and you will move on, let her go.

Lastly your dreams will be your driving force. You have a strong determination and immense stubbornness. You will accomplish much with this, use it wisely. Focus on what really matters. I love you, you are me, and you have molded me into this man. You will look back and be proud so keep that head up and look forward always.

I’ve never been good with sharing emotions (at least sober that is), but i’m learning that it’s essential to the human experience. I’m not sure if it’s because as a male it’s been custom to hide emotions, or if it’s just because I’m conscious of my heart and guarding it. But whatever the reason they’ve been kept wrapped up and hidden like a Christmas present bought in July.

Growing up I put a lot of thought and worry into what people thought of me. It always seemed that everyone else was always so confident, so I developed a surface persona that always made me appear that I was just as confident, but deep down there were always those self doubting questions. I’m my own worst critic. Everything in my younger years seemed so superficial and I would live my life that way.

As I’ve survived through my 20’s I noticed that being open and honest would end up giving people the ammunition they needed to hurt me; and they always did at the most vulnerable times. Vulnerability became my enemy. Sharing emotions became something for the weak and my heart grew calloused as I became more jaded. I started to ignore what others thought, and this proved to be devastating to my social life as I disregarded the loving advice from those who cared thinking it was only negative criticism to bring me down. I was defensive. About everything.

Now as I’m closing in on 30 and emotions are becoming a necessity to survival. To hold in, I’ve learned, only makes me more bitter and unlikely to trust anyone. I must share my heart with those who truly matter. I’ve become in-tune with reality and for that matter in-tune with what a friend is, will say, and their honest open opinions. I cherish this now, seeking out the advice and criticism from those I admire. I invoke their words of wisdom on my life to grow, mature, and be free of hate. It is these friends, no, this family, I have in my life that makes me joyous for the future. I’m excited for how my relationships will grow and what will come. I feel human, no longer a recluse. I’m here people, I’m me, I feel the way I do and I’m no longer sorry for it. So for those who I call friend family or brother, I love you, you will always be with me, always a part of me, forever a stamp on my journey through life. I’m no longer afraid and I thank you for this liberation.

I’ve always loved to write, just gotten so far away from it over the years and I miss it. And reading, no tv for a while, I just want to read. I get so dull and lazy with a tv. I need interaction, I need intriguing conversations, I need to work my brain with fiction that I get lost in or life lessons and insight from non-fiction which inspires my thoughts. I need culture and art and music and creativity. I feel stifled and I need to kick open the doors and be free. I need to be the 8 yr old mystified boy with the knowledge of the man I’ve become. I need to be cautious but curious. I need to be me.

I have spent years (collectively) goin back and forth from being me to being what people expect. Somewhere along the way I’ve gotten stuck in the middle of the two paths, and an inner struggle has commenced. The problem is both paths have qualities I admire and despise. So this middle path, this overgrown forest in front of me, needs to be trimmed. This middle path needs to be groomed. This middle path must become my only path. Not jumping out of the bushes to the left or right when I need to create excitement for myself, but rather combine the two as I narrow down my dreams and goals.

The writing will release me, the writing will make me free again. And while some of what you read may be dark, others will create smiles. Some posts will be negative, full of jaded views and hurt emotions and others with the positivity of the rising of the morning sun. I will write for myself, I will write for those that feel like I do, I will write to find a better understanding of this world. Judge, and judge harshly for criticism will fuel energy. I will be doing the same.